What Even Matters Anymore Anyway
The rhetorical questions you keep asking, and what happens when you answer them.
Hi friends—
One of the earliest rules I made for myself when I started coaching people was that I would always push clients to really answer their own rhetorical questions.
Which, of course, is equal parts extremely helpful and annoying AF.
A rhetorical question, just so we’re clear, is defined by Merriam-Webster’s dictionary as “a question not intended to require an answer.”
Oxford Languages, however, gives a little more of a *robust* definition. I like this one because, while the other one is accurate too, this definition takes into account the context in which we usually ask our rhetorical questions. You know. Things like our mood, our intention, our circumstance, etc.
Here’s the screenshot:
There it is, right?
We don’t (usually) use rhetorical questions “just because.”
We (usually) use them when there’s some pretty substantial subtext present. When something’s bubbling beneath the surface.
Rhetorical questions are a way to say a lot without saying much at all — especially if you struggle to find words that fit.
“Why does this always happen to me?”
“What’s the use?”
“There’s always something, right?”
These aren’t just questions. They’re declarations.
I usually ask myself rhetorical questions when I’m feeling defeated or exasperated. These questions, I’ve learned, aren’t really questions at all. They’re fist-shakes at the universe, or outlets for my frustration. Or ways to make me feel like I’m getting SOMEWHERE. Each non-question question is like me declaring my authority to myself. I have thoughts! I’m in control! I’ve got opinions and perspective! Here I am, me! I know things even when I don’t know!
But here’s the thing I don’t really like admitting when I sit down and think about my rhetorical questions: I stop at the ask on purpose.
I stop at the ask because dissecting my questions feels like too heavy of a lift.
I stop at the ask because if I were to answer them, I would have to take accountability.
I’d have to do something about them.
THE ASKING
When people call me an Optimist, capital O, I always add a little qualifier to their statement. I’m definitely not a pessimist, and I’m certainly not nihilistic — but I don’t subscribe to the kind of always-see-the-glass-half-full type of Optimism that most people think of when they think of the O-word.
My form of optimism is less glass-half-full and more there’s-4oz-of-water-in-the-glass-which-either-is-or-isn’t-enough-to-quench-my-thirst-but-let’s-see-and-we’ll-go-from-there. It’s pragmatic positivity: the ability to look at what’s in front of you and be proactive, not reactive. My kind of positivity and optimism, lower-case O, isn’t about what’s happy instead of sad; it’s about what’s pragmatic instead of unrealistic, and then what I can do about it.
In WANT YOUR SELF, I talk about how the myth we’re sold when it comes to “being positive” is that positivity is goodness, and goodness equals happiness. I have never experienced that to be true on a lasting basis. Real positivity — the kind that lasts — is pragmatic, proactive positivity. It not only transcends the pitfalls and darkness of life, but transcends the peaks and lightness as well. It’s so much more than simply the extremes. Real positivity doesn’t make happiness the goal: it makes You-ness the goal. All of you. No matter the circumstance or emotion.
What does this have to do with rhetorical questions, though?
Rhetorical questions shut all this down.
Our words have worth. They mean something. The things we say solidify the things we believe — which means we’ve got to be extremely careful with the words we say to ourselves, about ourselves and our life.
Which brings me to the title of this whole thing: the defeated, exasperated sigh of What Even Matters Anymore, Anyway.
This genre of rhetorical question, I believe, is one of the MOST DANGEROUS ONES. Always, but especially now.
I get it. It’s justified. With fears around AI (a post for another day), geopolitical instability, basic human rights, and more…everything can feel like everything, which can make it tempting to make it all feel like nothing. This isn’t even to mention all of the highly individual moments we’re all going through at any given time. Personally. Professionally. I get it. I do.
However, if you’ve said or thought any of the following questions or thought-terminating statements…
What even matters anymore, anyway?
It’s always something.
What’s the point?
I would like to not just push back, but push FORWARD.
THE ANSWERING
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about…this is going to sound so general and hokey, but…about existence. About humanity, about “the journey”, about the time we have to do what we can.
I believe that answering our own rhetorical questions and pushing back on our generalized thought-terminating statements is one of the best ways we can practice pragmatic positivity.
Genuinely asking these questions forces us to redirect our thoughts, think in complexities, and problem-solve. Our brains LOVE clarity and having a problem to solve — there’s even research that shows that when you hear and really consider a question, your brain essentially gets hijacked by the question and focuses its energy on answering it.1
YES, you can certainly dissect the subtext behind your questions, identifying how you really feel and what’s really going on (“It’s always something, isn’t it?” might, for example, be a sign you’re feeling defeated or overwhelmed, and could just use a helping hand or an easy low-drama day). But that can often feel too confrontational of a step to start with, especially if you’re spiraling. I like the pratice of answering your own questions because it’s ACTIVE. It piques your curiosity. It takes you somewhere.
This practice of pragmatic, proactive positivity isn’t necessarily about feeling good. That’s important to note. You might feel good! But you might feel other things. And hopefully, what you’ll feel is deeper and more consequential than goodness alone.
This is about moving forward and into your own life, instead of retreating further away from it.
When you move forward into your own life, you start to DO THINGS. You start to take action. You start to see possibilities and opportunities. You start to find your people. You make your life happen.
All from answering your own questions.
THE CLARITY
I have a lot of friends and family members who have recently celebrated decade-marking birthdays or experienced milestone life events. In my conversations with them, I’ve started to uncover some patterns in thinking and feeling. And in those, I’ve been able to (start to) answer my own existential rhetorical questions with some groundedness and clarity.
That clarity helps me lift my feet up and take the next steps forward.
It helps me write the email. It helps me make the call.
It helps me cool off. It helps fire me up.
It helps me let go. It helps me hang on.
And so, maybe, if you’ve been stewing in the rhetorical questions of it all, we can work through these together. Right now.
Let’s do this:
WHAT EVEN MATTERS ANYMORE, ANYWAY?
Relationships, that’s what. The quality of the relationships in your life. The people who show up. The people you want to show up for. The people who get it. The people who’ve got your back when shit hits the fan and who pop the champagne when you get a win. The relationships that make the fabric of your life feel cozy not itchy, and worn in just the right ways not stretched to the point of tearing. Compassion. Co-regulation. Community. Inter-dependence (NOT co-dependence). Relationships.
Wholeness, that’s what. Showing up with integrity instead of as a fragmented human being. Seeing what’s possible and taking action. Leaving things and people better than when you found them. Doing what feels meaningful. Using the unique skills and talents you’ve been given. Honing the Self that you are. Alignment. Becoming more of the You you know you’re meant to be. Full completed circles. Wholeness.
Joy, that’s what. Big laughs. Delight. Sparks of aliveness. Great art, music, theatre, books, education, conversation. Big and small moments that enhance the energy in the room, in the world, in your body. Joy.
Presence, that’s what. Being here, now. Being here and recognizing that Here is a vital location in the geography of your life. Here isn’t just here, it affects There and There and There. Remembering. Collecing memories. Presence.
IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
Is it? And if so, what kind of something is it, and is it that kind of something always? If the “always something” is chaos or harm or disappointment or insufferability — no, nope, it’s not ALWAYS those things. Remember. There are huge, massive wins and celebrations. There’s ease. There’s laughter. There are things going the way you’d hoped they’d go. There are moments where things are actually pretty status-quo. There’s so much more outside of that fragment of a lens of the “something” you speak of. There are actually a whole lot of somethings. And some you can’t choose. But those choosable somethings exist too — even in the midst of the unchosen ones.
WHAT’S THE POINT?
The point is YOU. The point is THEM. The point is US. The point is THIS. The point is love. The point is legacy. The point is that the ocean is a bunch of drops of water that were all miraculously able to exist at the exact same time in the universe’s history and therefore were able to fuse together to create this incredible thing that is central to the existence of life itself. The point is that you are a part of that. You are the drop and you are the life. The point is profound. The point is all of it.
These, of course, are only three of the questions you might be asking yourself. There are so many more. SO many more. Questions about worth, about enoughness, about WHY.
So what I would say to you, if you’re a serial rhetorical-question-asker, is to use this as a starting point, and begin to take your own questions seriously. Consider your questions as ones that are being asked by a part of you that’s genuine. That wants to know.
What I would NOT say is to stop asking.
Because asking, when really truly asked, leads to answering.
And answering is key.
Because in the answering, we can find our way forward.
NOW YOU:
In the comments, let me know one (or some) of your most-asked rhetorical questions. And, if you’re feeling comfortable doing so, your answers to those questions. They don’t need to be perfect…they just need to be enough to open up a door of possibility for you.
OF COURSE feel free to do this on your own, too! Journaling, discussing with friends, etc. But if you’re willing to share, I’d love to hear…and I know the rest of our community would, too <3
SOME QUICK UPDATES!
NEW WANTCAST EPISODES are live now: a solo episode on compliments (how to receive compliments without feeling icky, how to give compliments that matter, why this all is actually really important), and an interview with
on conscious consumption and the challenge laid out in her book NO NEW THINGS. Subscribe, download, and share these with a friend! The links below are for Apple Podcasts but you can also listen on Spotify or your fav pod player.
NEW NBC NEWS DAILY SEGMENTS! If you’re new here, I’m a regular mindset expert on NBC News Daily. I really loved this month’s Mental Health Check segments — one on compliments (a popular suject lately!), and one on breaking out of comparison. You can check these out, as well as all my past segments, on my YouTube channel (where I’ve organized them all into their own playlist).
LOS ANGELES, SAVE THE DATE: If you’re based in LA, please hold the evening of Sunday, July 20th on your calendar! For those of you whose guessers are guessing: just know that yes it involves songs, yes it involves stories…and yes it involves valet parking. More soon :)
A summary: https://business.columbia.edu/press-releases/cbs-press-release/want-know-what-your-brain-does-when-it-hears-question
My most asked questions may show you a theme as to where my mind was, here are two that I have been working on a LOT.
Q. What's wrong with me? (usually someone I had hoped would become a friend has used me or hurt me, or my old work team would go out for pay day drinks I was never given an invite even when I asked)
A. There is nothing wrong with me, my expectation as to what a friend is may be out of line. or there is nothing wrong with me these people are just hurting or dealing with things and taking it out on you.
Q. Why can't you sort your S*$T out and stop emotionally eating?
A. My emotional eating stems from years and years or comping with bullies, and other things. Sugar is a big addiction that wont be fixed over night, especially when you used it to cope through most of your childhood and early adult hood.