The Fetishization of Normal: TALKING SHIFT with Lily Diamond (Writer, Editor, Rewilding Enthusiast)
"...what we think of as “normal”—and often strive to be—is a fantasy made up by a bunch of people who don’t know you, your heart, your mind, or your life at all. Write your own story."
Hi friends —
Back when WANT first began, I featured someone at least once a month on the site in a series we called WANT Women. The online editorial landscape has changed a lot since WANT launched in 2015, and even more since I first began writing on the internet in the early 2000s.
Blogging and online journalism back in those days have been referred to as “the wild wild west.” But I like to think back on that time period as more of an “anything goes” landscape. The wild wild west was violent. People played dirty. It’s not like that wasn’t happening…but overall, the early blogging community was The actual Good Place.
It was kind. Supportive. Grainy-photo’d-sans-judgement. People would host giveaways and share about things they loved and it didn’t occur to most of us that maybe there should be some rules and restrictions around this (the FTC cracked down on that in 2010). You could find your people, and they could find you — and you could all hang out in the comments sections and really get to know one another.
People still want to find their people online in 2024. And for the most part, I get the sense that the majority of us share with good intentions. CONNECTION was, and still is, at the core of why we read people’s work online — and why we write our own as well.
I realized a few months back that while I love (love!) writing and researching, there’s something I really miss about the old WANT format and the “Anything Goes” days of blogging: the unbridled hyping-up of other people doing amazing things, in a way that feels fun, fresh, and free.
So in the spirit of community — and of 2009 blogging — I’m bringing it back!
INTRODUCING: TALKING SHIFT
TALKING SHIFT is our new interview series on WANT, connecting you with artists, activists, founders, CEOs, and all-around badasses who inspire me to make shift happen in my life — and who I think will inspire you to do the same.
Last Talking Shift, we met actress, filmmaker, and blogger
. Which feels fitting, because Lynn was the person who first (formally) introduced me to who you’ll meet today:In this installment of TALKING SHIFT, I’m so excited to introduce you to !
Lily is a writer, editor, and educator exploring interdependence and resilience within our earth and human communities. She is the author of bestselling memoir-cookbook Kale & Caramel: Recipes for Body, Heart, and Table, and coauthor of What’s Your Story?: A Journal for Everyday Evolution. (And if her name sounds familiar to you, it’s probably because her excellent Substack, , has been featured here on WANT many times — if you haven’t dug in yet, here’s a great place to start).
Fun fact, despire being friends for at least four years now, we actually have never met in real life. It’s become a running joke now — I’ll fly out of Los Angeles on August 26th, and she’ll land at LAX on August 28th. I’ll be in San Francisco April 12-13th, and she will have just left on the 9th. Our distance is one of the greatest out of any of my friends (she lives in Maui, I’m in NYC), however she remains a cherished member of my inner circle.
My well of admiration for her is unending, both personally and professionally, and I’m constantly inspired by the way she’s able to break down the patterns, nuances, and deeper implications in cultural constructs. Her writings on staying sane in this era of sociopolitical and environmental chaos are the opposite of doomscrolling — in fact, I’ll often go read a Lily post or poem when I find myself spiraling and in need of warmth/sense/sanity/grounding.
Ready to meet her? I thought so.
Here’s Lily…
TALKING SHIFT: 24 QUESTIONS WITH LILY DIAMOND
Name: Lily Diamond
How you’d know me (occupation or role): Writer, editor, rewilding enthusiast
What I love about myself (and why): That I prioritize depth and levity in equal measure. It’s potent! But fun!
What is your definition of “positivity?” Remembering that change is the only constant. If I hate what’s happening, ok, inevitably it will change. If I love what’s happening, ok, that’s gonna change, too.
When did you start to love yourself — did you have a self-love “turning point?” I have a strong sense of loving myself, feeling very close and comfy and happy in myself, as a young child. Then that becomes foggy as I enter my older childhood and teens and twenties. Even my thirties feel full of a lot of self-rejection despite holding myself in great esteem and admiration. I could be pleased with myself and proud of myself, but not necessarily deeply loving of myself. I’m 41 now, and I feel like I’m just beginning to understand, to live, an experience of radical—meaning, root-level—self-acceptance. Which is probably the beginning of enduring love.
How/where negative talk shows up in my life: Every day. Everywhere. Inside my brain. On social media. In the news. In advertisements that sell us shit to fix everything that’s wrong with the way we are.
Internally, it usually shows up as judgments about:
a) my chronic singledom (and associated shit-talking about my appearance, attractiveness, age, desirability, fuckability, body image, etc.) and
b) my professional identity (have I published enough? why does the algorithm hate me? why can’t I get through the second draft of my novel? will I ever be perceived and respected the way I hope to be?).
When I talk negatively about myself, it’s usually… NO FUN AT ALL!!
It baffles me that people… don’t talk more about how culty, un-fun, and punishing heteropatriarchy* is, and how much it dictates our self-talk and the way we feel about ourselves—especially hetero women (like me) who are groomed from the outset to contort ourselves to seek male approval.
*heteropatriarchy: a system in which straight men hold hegemonic power over people of other identities
I wish that more people… knew that what we think of as “normal”—and often strive to be—is a fantasy made up by a bunch of people who don’t know you, your heart, your mind, or your life at all. Write your own story. Stop fetishizing normalcy.
I wish that more people knew that what we think of as “normal”—and often strive to be—is a fantasy made up by a bunch of people who don’t know you, your heart, your mind, or your life at all. Write your own story. Stop fetishizing normalcy.
Lily Diamond
My favorite way to shift a negative into a positive: Not ever asking myself to shift a negative into a positive. After my mom died, in the space of grieving and reckoning, it became very clear how toxic that expectation was. Instead, offering myself the space to feel allows for feelings and perspectives to change.
My top role models: My parents. My dear mentor and friend, author Rebecca Walker. The poets. The artists. The musicians. The whole of this freaking earth, wild and drenched in beauty.
Favorite negativity-busting activity: DANCING. Shaking and quaking everything in myself loose.
Fave self-love ritual: Post-shower body oil anointing. Bonus points for looking at myself naked in the mirror and having the audacity to say, aloud, how much I love myself.
Favorite feel-good food(s): FRUIT. All of the fruit. A ripe, luscious mango. A mouth-puckering lilikoi (passion fruit). The hydration of watermelon.
Favorite movies/TV shows/social media to watch when I’m feeling down: Great British Bake Off: so soothing, such low stakes, so much camaraderie!
Current favorite book(s) on my shelf:
Anything by Joy Harjo and Ada Limón, our two most recent U.S. Poet Laureates
All Fours by Miranda July
Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang
Didion & Babitz by Lili Anolik
Three Women by Lisa Taddeo
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Frances Weller
Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte
Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution by Cat Bohannon
Current favorite feel-good song, artist, or playlist: That! Feels Good! By Jessie Ware
Three random things (products, practices, sayings, routines, etc) making my life better right now:
Growing my favorite herbs: shout-out to dill, cilantro, and Thai basil.
Not sure how I’d live without my tongue scraper.
Putting notecards with self-talk reminders on my desk and bedside table. Currently:
“My body knows how to forget pain.”
“Please be GENTLE.”
“Even when you feel lonely, you are surrounded by people who love you.”
Advice I would give my…
…4 year-old self: Don’t take it personally when people play rough or are mean on the playground! It has nothing to do with whether or not they like you! For real.
…14 year-old self: Stop trying to please everyone so hard.
…24 year-old self: You’re going to lose a lot (people, relationships, identities, belief systems)—and all the heartbreak is going to teach you to trust yourself.
…34 year-old self: Stop chasing after anyone who isn’t choosing you. Or bringing more hot, stable fun into your life.
My best tip on self-love: Get comfy looking yourself in the mirror—straight in the face!—and saying I love you.
When I truly love all of myself… I have so much more time and energy to spend doing the stuff I care about most.
Right now, I am most excited about… Discovering a new chapter of my life / self / reality in which I’m no longer obsessed with and chasing after romantic partnership. It’s still a priority and experience that I want in my life, but it’s no longer this black hole of a “missing piece” that dictates my emotions, decisions, identity. So now I just get to…be me? Seems like I should’ve figured this out sooner lol. Highly recommend.
Three words to describe me: Curious. Playful. Heartful.
Current mantra: Be gentle with yourself.
Lily Diamond is a writer, editor, and educator exploring interdependence and resilience within our earth and human communities. She is the author of bestselling memoir-cookbook Kale & Caramel: Recipes for Body, Heart, and Table, and coauthor of What’s Your Story?: A Journal for Everyday Evolution. Lily's work has been featured in the New York Times, VICE, Women’s Review of Books, Vogue, The Independent, Goop, Forbes, Refinery29, Bon Appetit, Spirituality & Health, and more. She lives in Maui, Hawai‘i, where she grew up.
Find Lily online at:
— her Substack on staying sane in this era of sociopolitical and environmental chaos (which includes audio poetry gems for paid subscribers)
We must have been best friends/“soul mates” (as much as I believe that exists) in another life. I mean this in the most UNcreepy way possible.
What a joy to read!