How To AND/BOTH In A BUT/OR Society.

The challenge of embracing nuance and multifacetedness when the air we breathe blows in binaries.

Hi friends—

What you need right now is…well, what is it? Like, really really?

Because if you’re anything like me, your inbox and Substack feeds have been filled with what is understandably the collective sentiment of “WTF” lately.

And yes, I agree. WT Actual F.

Nothing about this moment in time is normal or okay. And to normalize it or gloss over it or slap on a happy face on isn’t just not it, it’s incredibly dangerous to our lives and futures personally, socially, politically, and environmentally.

Recognizing and naming the horrors, tragedies, and implications of current events — from the most destructive fire in California’s history (which is still burning, btw) to *that* chilling salute (and the amount of people mimicing, normalizing, or excusing it) to TikTok now existing in an Edgar Suit to more than 200 shootings (78 deaths and 200+ injuries) in the first TWO DAYS of 2025 and more — is essential in order to find/mobilize the power of community and join together in our humanity. Speaking vaguely or in figurative language doesn’t work when so much is on the line. Not now. How else will we find and support one another in ways that will actually move the needle beyond well-intentioned but ultimately empty thoughts and prayers?

And…it’s an And/Both situation, right?

I find myself wondering: How many times can we repeat “none of this is normal”?

I find myself wondering: How can we experience joy, humor, or lightness right now when “right now” feels like a nightmare come to life?

And also.

How can we not?

AND/BOTH-ING IN A BUT/OR SOCIETY

Of course, the answers to both of these questions are complicated. Yes, we need to keep talking about how none of this is normal — and we need to talk about other things too. Yes, we need to metabolize the grief and terror of the nightmare so we can do something about it — and we need to lean into joy, humor, and lightness when they arrive. One thought/action doesn’t negate the other simply because they seem contradictory.

The AND/BOTHS of Right Now have already started coming at us fast n’ furious.

As a society that reeeally loves the BUT/ORS of black-and-white binaries, I suspect this is going to be a real challenge for us.

And as multifaceted and nuanced as you think your own thinking is, I really don’t think ANY of us will be exempt from this challenge.

Think about it: how many times have you heard someone talk about the horrible way someone else treated them, and you’ve thought or responded incredulously, but they always seemed so nice! Or gone online to buy the book your friend raved about and couldn’t put down, then read a scathingly negative review, and second-guessed whether the book is any good at all?

This is the challenge and confusion of AND/BOTH nuance: humans generally have a really tough time processing their thoughts, feelings, and opinions when faced with the idea that more than one thing can and does exist at once.

*pink salt, but salt and pepper nonetheless.

BUT/OR is in the air we breathe — it’s in the fabric of our current cultural framework. It’s everywhere from the options we’re told we have in life to the seasonings we’re given on our tables. It’s going to take real work for us all to utilize AND/BOTH thinking in a mindful and additive way, instead of using it as BUT/OR in disguise.

When I think of how not to use AND/BOTH, I think of when someone uses it to play Devil’s Advocate (this is often adjacent to manipulation/gaslighting, also p.s. why are we advocating for the devil?) or to excuse hateful words/actions with a “not all xyz” sort of statement (an example: we saw a lot of “not all men” when the Me Too movement gained traction, which de-centered the actual issues at hand and therefore the implementation of long-term solutions).

It’s gonna take *real work* to not only pause long enough to recognize and accept the power of AND/BOTHS, but then *do* something with them.

And that work is going to need to start not in the big moments — but in the everyday moments. Because how does something become habit? You do it habitually. Not just in the moment you need it most.

THAT WORK COULD LOOK LIKE:

• Checking your uses of blanket statements and “universal quantifiers” — words that are universal generalizations and have no referential index — like all, every, always, never, everyone, or no one.
  

• When trying to solve a complex problem, instead of automatically choosing between two opposing options, try to think of what is *actually* helpful or needed and craft a solution from there.
  

• Allowing yourself to feel more than one emotion at once. For example: you can be both heartbroken that someone close to you passed away, and also proud of yourself for getting a job promotion during that period of grief — this happened to me once.
  

• Seeking out different perspectives in order to understand the core of an issue (and therefore find solutions that actually work). Asking Why or saying Tell Me More About That is a great place to start.
  

• Monitering your own self-talk. Note when BUT/OR thinking comes up, and when AND/BOTH thinking comes up. You might recognize some patterns — that’s really good information for you to have, that you can work with as you do this work!
  

• Catching yourself when you find yourself focusing on solely ONE outcome and completely ignoring other possibilities. Again, this is not about playing Devil’s Advocate or making excuses. This is about recognizing multiple realities. For example, only focusing on the best possible outcome during times like these can feel like toxic positivity/some sort of bypassing bs, yet only focusing on the worst possible outcome can make you forget what you're fighting for in the first place and wear on your belief that you can do anything to make a difference — not to mention keep you from recognizing the small yet substantial steps of progress when they DO come about.
  
  My own motto is not “hope for the best, prepare for the worst,” but is rather something like “Hope for the best, acknowledge the worst, envion the outcomes, and make a game plan for all possible options.” I know…it’s not a cute short memeable phrase. I wish it was. AND/BOTHS usually aren’t short and memeable though, so this is sort of the point.
  

• Pausing when you read or hear blanket statements to describe *entire* institutions or professions. Yes, willy-nilly trust of every single thing and every single human is dangerous…but so is NOT trusting entire categories of things or humans. Think of almost every villain you’ve seen in a movie and how they get the protagonist on their side, even as we yell at the screen for them to get TF away: the villain makes the protagonist question their own reality by taking actual events/actions and spinning a larger story with them about trustworthiness. Then the villiain convinces the person that THEY are the only ones that are trustworthy. Erosion of trust is powerful — that doesn’t mean you need to ignore what’s actually happening if it’s giving big red flags. There is a difference between having awareness of the cracks in a system vs. not trusting anything or anyone associated with it.
  
  A real-life example: I have personally heard so many people say they don’t trust ‘doctors’, which is both understandable given the American healthcare system AND a very broad statement given how many people fall under the ‘doctor’ profession (people who for the most part are highly skilled and robustly trained) — there we go with the AND/BOTH! — today’s WANTcast episode with with patient advocacy strategist Ilana Jaqueline on Medical Gaslighting and how to advocate for yourself is an EXCELLENT example of recognizing/validating the real problems and biases that do exist, identifying the nuances of the medical profession and system, and collaborating on real solutions to move forward with.
  

Phew. I know.

AND/BOTH isn’t necessarily easy.

AND/BOTH isn’t necessarily catchy.

And also…AND/BOTH is *exactly* what’s needed in order to move forward proactively through whatever comes next.

I know this is my own work right now. And hopefully, you’ll join me in it.

Because like we’ve talked about so many times before: we learn best from each other. Especially when it comes to the thinks we think and the words we use. We learn our self-talk just like we learn any language: we become fluent in it via the conversations we have. That self-talk informs how we walk through the world, the conversations we have, and how someone else’s self-talk is formed.

We all have a platform of some kind, whether it’s the open ears of your family and friends or 500K people on your subscriber list. That means we all have the opportunity to do that work — and bring others along with us.

And not to use a universal quantifier…but I suspect that that is what we ALL need right now.

The work — and the community to do it with.

An honor to be a part of yours.

there is a world of flavors, bold and nuanced, way beyond simply salt and pepper.